It's Already Like It Never Happened: World Cup Awards pt. 2

With 2010's feast of football becoming a worryingly distant memory already, it's time to dole out a few more gongs, and put our heads between our knees, close our eyes and breathe through our nose until the whole sorry three-ring circus swings into gear on August 14th.

Hero of the Tournament: With the majority of players, pundits, coaches and FIFA suits making a total show of themselves, there was only one winner - and it had to come from a different species. Paul, the octopus in a German aquarium with a penchant for predicting football scores had a perfect record in this tournament, giving him a success rate of 12 out of 13 in the last two tournaments, comfortably outclassing virtually every paid expert on Earth. This is either a clear indication that picking the winner of a football match is total, blind luck, or that Paul will one day rule us all. Take a look at him and make up your own mind.

The Bringer of Fabio's Rage Award: So many choices. A four-way dead heat, at the very least, for the following: JT's eye-wateringly ill-advised coup d'etat by press conference; Emile Heskey's stepover, stumble and shank against Algeria; the moment Rob Green will always see when he shuts his eyes; and of course, those rumours.

The Game Most Like Every Other: This tournament will be remembered for Suarez's handball, German counter-attacking and the thrilling denouement, but most of the games were rubbish, lest we forget. Paraguay v Japan summed up so many games - seemingly a massive prize at stake and not a lot to lose (both teams had matched or exceeded expectation), the result was a feast of ballooned long shots, cynical shoves and meandering, inevitably hopeless dribbling. Paraguay shaded a shoot-out and then had the temerity to celebrate.

The Tinkerman Trophy for Tactical Switcheroos: A tie between Diego Maradona, who changed a fluid, fearsome set-up for the quarter-final, presumably to make it as easy as possible for Germany to tear them apart, and Bert van Maarwijk, who clearly had a system in mind for the final, but decided after about 4 minutes that they just had to keep kicking them.

The Robbie Earle Award for Services to Punditry: The BBC's Alans: Hansen, now carrying the demeanour of a sarcastic undertaker, and Shearer (call centre manager, can be a real prick) who on several places did little more than huff, mutter and fidget in their expensive chairs by way of analysis.

The Moment that Almost Made all the Disappointment Worthwhile: Iniesta, 116th minute, World Cup final. Brings ball down, lets it bounce, smacks it in. At once, justice served on a Dutch side with a brutal and bizarre game plan, and the most exciting conclusion to a World Cup final since 1986. Also, after so much tenative, negative play, the whole bloody thing was won in a second. Sudden death is surely the way forward in 2014.