Wayne Bridge Weighs up his Options Ahead of Chelsea Game

Tiger: "It Wasn't Me"

British Woman Falls Headfirst Down Ice Slightly Faster than Women from Overseas

"What the Fuck am I Doing?" Thinks Ski-Jumper Upon Leaving Ramp

WHISTLER, CANADA - Japanese ski-jumper Daiki Ito had a moment of brutal clarity earlier this evening, realising at the moment his skis left the jump that he was voluntarily throwing himself down a mountain with only two planks of wood to soften his landing.

As the end of his skis left the steep runway, presenting Ito with a vista of his inevitable descent, he had a sudden, striking epiphany.. "This is insane. It's so fucking high. There's no way I'm landing this. Why am I in this position? Why didn't I go and work in a bank like my mum said?"

"I mean, what the fuck am I doing?"

Ito finished 2nd in pre-qualifying, landing his jump impressively considering the existential crisis that was consuming him. Ito is not expected to attend Saturday's final, and is currently planning to return to Yokohama and open a sandwich shop.

Lawro Acting Like a Total Prick

LONDON, ENGLAND - Respected football pundit and former Liverpool defender Mark 'Lawro' Lawrenson caused consternation on the set of BBC1's Football Focus programme today. Lawrenson repeatedly made snide comments, often appearing aloof and disinterested. In the words of one runner, Lawro, normally known for his sardonic wit and laid-back personality, was acting "like a prick".

When asked by presenter Dan Walker what he thought of Burnley's survival chances, Lawrenson did not respond, acknowledging the question only by rolling his eyes theatrically. Lee Dixon's humourous observation on Leeds' recent poor form was met by an audible groan from Lawrenson, who spent the entire duration of filming chain smoking and damaging the sofa with the end of his pen.

After Dixon made a minor statistical error whilst discussing Sunderland's fall down the table, Lawrenson loudly commented that "we need Alan Hansen back", a comment that drew gasps of outrage from the gallery. In a scene edited out before broadcast, Lawrenson instructed Walker to "fuck off" when questioned over his pre-season prediction that Liverpool would top the league.

Questioned by angry producers as to the reason for his poor conduct, Lawrenson stated that he "didn't really give a shit" if he had upset people, before stubbing out his cigarette on the desk and strutting out of the studio.

Bill Paxton's Big Super Bowl Preview Part 2

Howdy, folks. I'm Bill Paxton. The good people at Sporthole have given me the chance to make a sequel to my original Super Bowl preview. I wish some of the fat cats in Hollywood had shown the same vision when I suggested a sequel to Twister a few weeks back. Who amongst you, the movie-going public, wouldn't love to see myself and Helen Hunt re-united to chase another tornado, with all the excitement of the classic original, plus brand new 3D special effects, which make it look like an F5 is hurtling right at your face? Well, try telling that to those assholes in the big corporate studios. They say nobody wants it. They think you've forgotten about Twister. But I know the truth. Right guys?

Anyway, tonight sees the perfect storm of the Super Bowl roll into Miami. The New Orleans Saints, who I tipped to win in their conference final, face off against the Indianapolis Colts, who I probably picked to win as well. This game is like two fierce F5 twisters going mano a mano. Both sides have QBs, in Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, that can hurl a football like a tornado throwing a cow into a wall. The Saints' defense will be looking to snap Manning like a tree in a hurricane, while the Colts will look to pick off Brees' passes like a raging storm picking off poorly-built houses. For an idea of what this looks like, please order Twister: Part One online today. The more we sell, the more chance we have of getting a kick-ass 3D sequel. Who's with me?

One thing I learned from pretending to chase tornadoes is that they're unpredictable, and football is the same. This is a game that's going to twist and turn like, well, a twister would be the most obvious comparison. My heart is rootin' for those plucky Saints, but this old head, rooted on surprisingly lithe and muscular shoulders, says that Peyton Manning wants that second Superbowl ring, and he'll get it. Everyone deserves a sequel. Come on, help a guy out. I'm Bill Paxton, and I'm picking the Colts to ride the storm and make it out the other side holding the Lombardi trophy. Be sure to visit the gift shop on the way out. I'm Bill Paxton.

Jamie Redknapp on England's Euro 2012 Draw

Alright geezer. I'm Jamie Redknapp, Sky Sports football pundit. You may have seen me recently playing golf on a beach with no shirt on. That's just how I like to relax. But on to the football. Today in Warsaw or somewhere, they done the draw for the European Championships in 2012. I'm taking an in-depth look at England's group, assessing their opponents' strengths and that, and giving my verdict on their chances.

Group G
ENGLAND
Switzerland
Bulgaria
Wales
Montenegro

It looks like England have got a tough draw - they're playing a lot of teams I remember being quite good a few years back. Switzerland - well, they're better at skiing, football ain't their game, but I imagine they'll be tough to break down. They're on the up I think. Or maybe in decline. Either way it'll be tough, but England should win both games.

Bulgaria are all about Berbatov. Tel just texted me and said they just play Berbatov, and pick the rest of the players out of a hat - some of them are just blokes knocking about, not even professionals. I think he's pulling my leg. He is, isn't he? Is he? Anyway, they're gonna be a bit of a crack outfit, being from Eastern Europe and that. Tough to break down, but England should beat them.

Wales, well, that's an interesting one. A bigger game in rugby, innit, but there'll be a great atmosphere in Cardiff for that one. Wales will love to get one over on England, but I don't see it happening. England will be too strong. Does Ryan Giggs still play for Wales? If so, he'll have a big influence on the game. Anyway, Wales will be right up for it, and they'll be tough to break down. England to win both games.


Montenegro? Tel's pulling my leg here. That ain't a real country. It is? Well I never heard of it, so I'm gonna assume they're crap. All in all, an easy path to, where is it, is it Poland? But it will be tough. Cheers.

Palace, Notts County Join Pompey in Pursuit of Pot to Piss in

Terry, Bridge "Must Throw Down" to Resolve Conflict

LONDON, UK - Following lurid tabloid revelations about John Terry's affair with Wayne Bridge's ex-girlfriend. the animosity between the pair has been well publicised, with Bridge even claiming he would not be a part of a World Cup squad captained by Terry.

England boss Fabio Capello returns from holiday this Thursday, and will have the final word on whether Terry remains as captain. Neutral observers, however are already making noises that stripping Terry of the armband will not resolve the debate. "Even if he's not captain any more, this lingering resentment and tension is going to persist", claimed Professor Charles Woodcock, head of Sports Psychology at the University of Essex. "Likewise, if Wayne Bridge refuses to play in the team again, those team-mates that support him will turn on John Terry and further inflame the situation."

Woodcock feels that there is only one solution to a row that is threatening to spiral out of control. "Bridge and Terry need to lose the jackets, step into the car park and settle this like men." The esteemed sports psychologist then added "Winner takes all. Let's finish this."

Whilst Woodcock's suggestion may appear extreme, it has been effective when used secretly by teams before, in an effort to resolve public disputes. Following Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer's infamous on-field spat, the then Newcastle boss Glenn Roeder ordered both players to strip to the waist in the locker room and brawl it out. Bowyer's scrappy, ungainly style surprisingly won out, and the issue was resolved.

"These two guys can carry out a long-winded public slanging match that will damage the team's World Cup chances" concluded Woodcock, "but they need to face reality. This is about a girl. There's only way to stop this. It's time to throw down. Unless perhaps, one of them is scared."