Auntie Val's Sports Review of the Year

As the dust settles on another sporting year, Sporthole prepares to pick out its highs and lows, and hand out a gleaming batch of gongs, in the Sports Review of the Year. Regrettably, Sporthole is unable to do so, as it has a New Year's party to attend. As a result, Sporthole's auntie Val has kindly agreed to step in, and give us a rundown of her highlights of the year in sport, and making some predictions for next season:

SPORTSMAN OF THE YEAR:

I do like that Jenson Buttons. Seems like a nice boy, very polite.

SPORTSWOMAN OF THE YEAR:

Does Kelly Holmes still do running? OK, Sue Barker then.

FOOTBALLER OF THE YEAR:

Oh, that one, my grandson loves him, Spanish fella, loves himself, always flexing his muscles. He's not my cup of tea, I prefer Nadal (Cristiano Ronaldo).

GOAL OF THE SEASON:

Um... Wayne Rooneys?

VILLAIN OF THE YEAR:

That Tiger Woods has been a naughty boy, hasn't he? Still, I wouldn't say no!


SPORTING MOMENT OF 2009:

It was funny when that Tic-Tac ad came on during the football. Your Uncle Roy was so angry I sent him out into the garden to calm down.


Predictions for 2010:

RISING STAR: Wayne Rooneys.

WORLD CUP WINNERS: Well it won't be England, they're rubbish, always lose just as I get into it. I like them Italians, are they in it? Nice legs.

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR: Who was that bloke you were talking about Roy? That German driver, the one you love to hate. Schumachers! Well it's like riding a bike, you don't forget how do you? Although Roy did after his operation.

CAN ANDY MURRAY WIN WIMBLEDON?: Let's hope so! Come on Murray! No, I don't think so. It'll be that Federers again. Smug Swiss so-and-so.


Anyway, I'd better go, Roy and I are watching that Irish fella count down to 2010. I don't know, New Years, it's all a lot of fuss over nothing isn't it? Still, I like it. I preferred when that bald man from America used to do it. What was his name Roy? That's it, Clive James.

Woods Outside Top 2 Billion in Latest Husband Rankings

ISLEWORTH, FLORIDA - Tiger Woods' difficult year has ended on a new low, with his much-publicised move from golf into husbandry stalling dramatically. Whilst Woods remains the world's #1-ranked professional golfer, the latest rankings issued by the World Husband Association place him at 2,344,618,729 - firmly in the bottom third of the world's husband.

Following a series of lurid revelations about his personal life, Woods recently announced that he was taking a break from golf to become a better husband. The latest rankings, however, demonstrate that Woods' status in world husbandry continues to fall dramatically, from a career high of 98 just twelve months ago.

Woods will be hoping to pick up ranking points over the festive period, which features two crucial dates in the husbandry calendar - Christmas Day, and the 27th, when Woods will travel with his wife Elin. to visit her parents in Sweden. Woods will be hoping to make a swift return to the top 2 billion on the list; he is currently placed between Chad Johnson of Pittsburgh, USA, who has never remembered his wife's birthday, and Dutch national Jan Weermink, who is currently in prison.

Capello Still Laughing About World Cup Draw

Wenger Refuses to Kiss Wife Goodnight

Totteridge, LONDON - Arsene Wenger tonight caused controversy in his own household, by refusing to kiss wife Annie Brosterhous goodnight as she retired to bed.

Wenger's refusal is believed to have been triggered by his wife's victory in a contentious game of Monopoly earlier in the evening. The Arsenal manager vociferously claimed that Brosterhous had not participitated in the spirit of fair play, repeatedly buying up streets that prevented Wenger from purchasing any homes and hotels.

Brosterhous told press: "I came into the lounge, said I was going to bed as I have to get up early, and went over to kiss him goodnight. He just kept staring at the TV with that look on his face." Wenger has thus far been defiant in his response, claiming that he can choose to kiss goodnight, or not kiss goodnight, whoever he chooses.

Wenger reportedly spent the rest of the evening watching a DVD of an Italian reserve fixture, before retiring at 2am. His wife has announced that he intends to break the frosty atmosphere by allowing her husband to win a game of Cluedo tonight.

Gillette Curse: Federer Wonders When It's His Turn

Davydenko Attributes Victory to Fitness Regime, Black Eyed Peas

LONDON - Nikolay Davydenko, the unfancied Russian 7th seed, tonight swept to glory in the end-of-season World Tour Finals, comfortably defeating US Open champion Juan Martin del Potro in the final. Afterwards, Davydenko dedicated the biggest title win of his career to a new fitness regime and an improved forehand, but also gave some credit to tournament organisers for playing songs by the Black Eyed Peas at ear-splitting volume during changeovers.

"I'm really happy to have come through - there were so many great players here this week", Davydenko told a packed O2 Arena. "I feel like I was hitting my forehand really strong all week, and I could stay the course in a lot of games. I've been working on my fitness a lot, and it really paid off, especially in the semi-final against Roger". Davydenko then gave special praise to the venue: "It's a new venue on the tour, but it's been terrific for me, and the fans have been incredible all week."

"What really made a difference for me personally, though, was hearing the Black Eyed Peas at full volume during changeovers. I just love that group, and every time I heard one of their songs it really helped me get focussed." Davydenko continued, stating that whilst he had enjoyed hearing artists such as Pixie Lott and Duffy at similarly blood-curdling levels, it was the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling" in particular that played a major part in his success.

"I remember one time in particular, against Djokovic, when he was coming back at me, it was the first game, and I was wondering how I could turn it around. Then they dropped "I Gotta Feeling" before the final set, and I just thought 'You know what? Tonight is gonna be a good night.'"

Whilst the Russian champion clearly appreciated itt, the repetitive playing of pop songs throughout the tournament has attracted widespread criticim, including from Rafa Nadal and 8th seed Fernando Verdasco. Both players claimed to have experienced headaches and mild tinnitus following their games, whilst a ballboy stationed directly underneath a speaker began sobbing uncontrollably during Saturday's semi-final, as 'Let Me Entertain You' was played for the fourth changeover in succession.