Cincinnati Masters: Roger Federer faces Mardy Fish in final

It's Already Like It Never Happened: World Cup Awards pt. 2

With 2010's feast of football becoming a worryingly distant memory already, it's time to dole out a few more gongs, and put our heads between our knees, close our eyes and breathe through our nose until the whole sorry three-ring circus swings into gear on August 14th.

Hero of the Tournament: With the majority of players, pundits, coaches and FIFA suits making a total show of themselves, there was only one winner - and it had to come from a different species. Paul, the octopus in a German aquarium with a penchant for predicting football scores had a perfect record in this tournament, giving him a success rate of 12 out of 13 in the last two tournaments, comfortably outclassing virtually every paid expert on Earth. This is either a clear indication that picking the winner of a football match is total, blind luck, or that Paul will one day rule us all. Take a look at him and make up your own mind.

The Bringer of Fabio's Rage Award: So many choices. A four-way dead heat, at the very least, for the following: JT's eye-wateringly ill-advised coup d'etat by press conference; Emile Heskey's stepover, stumble and shank against Algeria; the moment Rob Green will always see when he shuts his eyes; and of course, those rumours.

The Game Most Like Every Other: This tournament will be remembered for Suarez's handball, German counter-attacking and the thrilling denouement, but most of the games were rubbish, lest we forget. Paraguay v Japan summed up so many games - seemingly a massive prize at stake and not a lot to lose (both teams had matched or exceeded expectation), the result was a feast of ballooned long shots, cynical shoves and meandering, inevitably hopeless dribbling. Paraguay shaded a shoot-out and then had the temerity to celebrate.

The Tinkerman Trophy for Tactical Switcheroos: A tie between Diego Maradona, who changed a fluid, fearsome set-up for the quarter-final, presumably to make it as easy as possible for Germany to tear them apart, and Bert van Maarwijk, who clearly had a system in mind for the final, but decided after about 4 minutes that they just had to keep kicking them.

The Robbie Earle Award for Services to Punditry: The BBC's Alans: Hansen, now carrying the demeanour of a sarcastic undertaker, and Shearer (call centre manager, can be a real prick) who on several places did little more than huff, mutter and fidget in their expensive chairs by way of analysis.

The Moment that Almost Made all the Disappointment Worthwhile: Iniesta, 116th minute, World Cup final. Brings ball down, lets it bounce, smacks it in. At once, justice served on a Dutch side with a brutal and bizarre game plan, and the most exciting conclusion to a World Cup final since 1986. Also, after so much tenative, negative play, the whole bloody thing was won in a second. Sudden death is surely the way forward in 2014.

World Cup Awards pt.1

 << Clive Tyldesley: Not a personal highlight of the world's greatest sporting event

Tonight, it ends. Spain or Holland will take the trophy, and everyone will head for the airport. For many, the idea of no more World Cup for four years will be devastating. To be honest, I think I'll need a little while before the prospect of sitting through this again will seem appealing. It has definitely picked up dramatically in the knockouts, but this has been an average World Cup. The truth is that as the Champions' League has grown, the World Cup has dwindled. Nothing so far has felt as enormous as the Champions' League's later stages (and trust me, I'm not saying that's a good thing). The frustrating thing is that as it doesn't carry the giddying financial benefits of the bloated, elephantine UEFA contest, it makes sense for teams to go all out - a seven-game shootout for what to most fans is still the ultimate prize. Sadly, all too often teams have appeared shackled by pressure - perhaps only Germany and Argentina appeared to just keep going until their luck changed. Neither team are playing tonight, but they have both been welcomed home with open arms.

2010 has certainly had its moments - there are a few new faces that have lit up the tournament, some old heads dragging nervous teams through, and no small amount of controversy. Here, for what it's worth, are Sporthole's awards:

Player of the Tournament:
Overcoming the doubters? Dragging a mediocre side within reach of the trophy? Bagging 5 goals, 4 of which were from outside the box? Generally being a swaggering, awe-inspiring one-man fight against the entire world? Step forward Diego Forlan.

Worst Player of the Tournament:
A number of contenders here - from those who thought midway through a month-long, incredibly important tournament was the perfect time to try and overthrow their leaders (Patrice! JT! I'm looking at you, you idiots), to big-name talents who never arrived (Rooney, Kaka, Cannavaro... Ronaldo, Drogba, Torres... it's a weirdly long list). Sadly (and this is kinda cruel on the guy), the award has to go to the player who did the most damage to his own team in the shortest time. Despite only featuring in 1 of his side's 4 matches, he may have irreparably derailed a campaign that had started so well. It takes a pretty special breed to single-handedly change a team's confidence and self-belief so dramatically. The man in question? With an honourable mention to Felipe Melo, there could only be one winner...

Moment of the Tournament:
From the moment Switzerland showed the world that the big guns could be beaten, the top teams have looked nervous or worse, creating a World Cup with perhaps more drama than true quality. So essentially I'm picking the most dramatic moment. Let's see. What's the most exciting point for something to happen? The last minute. Unless there's extra time of course... so how about the last minute of extra time? A goal? Too easy. A near-miss? Only if... there's some kind of cheating involved. Like, say, if an opponent punched the ball away off the line? But then what happens? The guy gets sent off, they score the penalty and it's game over. It's exciting, but surely it could be better. Wait a minute. What if they missed the penalty? And the guilty party saw the whole thing happen, and started whooping from the sidelines? Congratulations, Luis Suarez, perpetrator of perhaps scientifically the most dramatic act possible in a game of football.

Villain of the Tournament:
For many, it may be Suarez, but there are three factors that save him from this undesirable honour. Firstly, he may have acted on instinct. Secondly, he was punished and Ghana ultimately missed the chance they were given. Finally, he's not Clive Tyldesley. Now, I've always hated Tyldesley, but at this World Cup he managed to lower his reputation, despite being surrounded by such luminaries as Townsend, Mowbray, Chiles and Pearce in the truly awful UK coverage of the tournament. Somehow, he always manages to rise above the competition. To hear Tyldesley is to hear a man who knows nothing about football. If you dare to be one of the 10 people who will watch the final on ITV tonight, take a listen. Note down the number of times our Clive comments on Holland's fluid midfield movement, or Spain's expansive use of David Villa. You will not require a pen and paper to do so. All the guy ever does is spew out cliches and absurdities, constantly looking for omens or signals, rather than trying to glean information from what is actually happening. Tyldesley reached possibly his lowest ebb during England v Algeria when, in the 82nd minute, he commented that Enzo Bearzot's Italy drew their first two games in 1982. What is wrong with this guy? He must have been the only man in the entire world that was still thinking about England winning the World Cup at that point. Ignorant to tactics and strategy, divorced from reality; the footballing mind of an 8-year-old Chelsea fan, with the voice of a chipmunk to match. ITV - please get rid of this idiot.

Please, Please Let It Be Less Awful: The Sporthole World Cup Preview Part 1

<< Who wants it then, lads? Eh? Not you, Stevie...


You might have noticed recently that every time you stick on the telly you're confronted by 3 men in Ciro Citterio shirts, muttering about ball retention with grim, washed-out faces. If not, you may well have noticed a husky fella from Birmingham wittering inanities over a graphic of a large gold ball. Don't be confused. There's a World Cup happening in South Africa (not the reasonably developed, progressive and dynamic nation at the southern edge of Africa, but apparently a crime-ridden woe hole of the same name that FIFA has decided to rescue by allowing it to stage a vapid, commercialised shell of a once-great tournament).

Anyway, there's only eight teams left, and France, Italy, England, Ivory Coast and Portugal ain't amongst them. Which is kind of a shame for Nike. I wonder if the tabloid Cesc is reading also says YOU LET YOUR COUNTRY DOWN in massive, hysterical type. No, the last eight is a curious mix - four South American teams, three from Europe and one from Africa. Amongst them lie dark horses that make Black Beauty look pasty and bovine, superstar teams showing a level of mercy that may be familiar to the North Korean team, and favourites more nervy than Tiger Woods picking up a newspaper. Here then, are my worthless thoughts on the eight teams that remain:

Uruguay:


One of two quarter-finalists whose chief purpose as nations is stopping Brazil and Argentina actually having to touch each other. Famous for two things – being called ‘U R Gay’ by Homer Simpson, and winning 2 of the first 4 World Cups, the last one now some sixty years ago. Also there’s Fray Bentos.

Uruguay find themselves in the quarter-finals for the first time since, I dunno, pick one, it’s been ages, and even start as slight favourites against Plucky Ghana. Even without a winnable quarter-final, it would be hard to see Uruguay as outsiders given their history – they have won as many World Cups as France, England, Holland and Portugal put together. That said, few saw their fluid yet functional side progressing past a tough group on paper. The fact that it featured the worst seeds in World Cup history, a team collapsing in on itself like a wet croissant, and Mexico may have helped, but this disappointingly disciplined outfit have certainly impressed.

What happens next: A likely semi-final berth against Brazil, with a flight to Montevideo taxiing by the 60th minute. Andy Townsend et al to continue their bemusement at Diego Forlan miraculously becoming a good footballer, despite being consistently, unrelentingly awesome in Spain for about ten years now. ‘Arry Redknapp to flick through his sticker album and pick up an ineffectual striker, almost totally at random. Eenie, meenie… Edison Cavani!


Ghana:

As this tournament has progressed, the nation of Ghana has been granted a whole new identity. Arise, Plucky Ghana, everybody’s second favourite team, who so courageously outplayed Serbia, heroically matched a creaking Australia, and emulating the other plucky bunch of warriors in this tournament by drawing with America and getting turned over by Germany. An extra time goal later and they emerge blinking onto the big stage, a semi-final spot a realistic target.

I hate to jab a big pointy stick into the bubble of admiration for these feisty little rascals, but Ghana may be the most ball-achingly average team ever to reach the last eight. Well, almost (I’m looking at you, Ukraine). Ghana have played to their strengths and have gone a step beyond what was a realistic last-16 target, with a commendable victory against the U.S. However, they are and always have been a decent side, easily amongst the world’s top twenty. Talk of them being a giant-slaying minnow is, frankly, bollocks. As is the idea that they are now Africa’s team. I don’t know how much research went into the widespread theory that South Africans will root for a team that is about as close to them as Argentina. Would English fans get right behind Russia should they bomb out early on as hosts? Seems unlikely.

What happens next: Ghana lose out but can at least walk home, the main hut in the Ghanaian capital, which they all share, is actually visible from the ground. That’s what Alan Shearer told me anyway. Go any further and Ghana risk being suffocated through relentless patting.

Argentina:

Currently ably filling the role of team that scraped through qualifying, and now look like cantering to a third trophy (see Brazil 2002, England 2010 but the other way round). The albiceleste have looked excellent at times without facing a great challenge, and the tippy-tappy double header of Germany and Spain may drive the tactically laissez-faire Maradona over the edge. He has been the real star of Argentina’s campaign, looking like a well-connected nightclub owner whose lack of height only makes him more menacing. The other star represented on their slightly 70s crest (I know it’s for the World Cups really), Leo Messi, has yet to take centre stage, often taking on the appearance of a lank-haired boy being kicked around a playground. If Argentina are going to sew another gold star onto that snazzy uniform, they may need Messi to dish out some vengeance.

What happens next: Tougher to call than the worst long shot of the tournament. Appear to have the flair, quality and (dare I say it) coach of likely winners. It’s hard to look beyond a Brazil-Argentina final as long as Spain’s nerves stay shot, but remember: this team lost to Bolivia a year ago. Bolivia. 6-1.

Germany:

Ah, Germany. As a Man City and England fan, I know a thing or two about unrequited hatred. Both of my team’s fiercest rivals save their murkiest bile for another. Germany last week finally made that difficult call last week, letting England know that they really appreciate how much they mean to us, but, y’know, oh, this is really hard, there’s sort of someone else. Namely Holland – it seems that Frank Rijkaard gobbing in Rudi Voller’s mullet was a crime weighty enough to forget the two world wars and one world cup that so beguile the English psyche.

I hated Germany for a long time after Andreas Moller goose-stepped across the Wembley turf after his winning penalty at Euro 96 – until someone pointed out to me that had Gazza done the same in Berlin, he would have been a national hero. In recent years, Germany have shunned their traditional image of efficiency and Bond villain-esque levels of provocation, and now play with a youthful verve, with a multicultural, skilful side, watched by realistic supporters who are gracious in victory and defeat. They’re everything England could be. Sort of makes me hate them even more.

What happens next:

Despite the 4-1 serving they handed out to a fully deserving England, Germany have blown hot and cold so far. My feeling is that this transitional team may not fully expect to make it all the way back to Soccer City on July 11th. A swashbuckling Argentina, thirsty for vengeance after the repeat fixture in Berlin four years ago, may be too much. Come Euro 2012 however, Germany will have the same side, each with two years’ experience at the highest level. England may be better off not qualifying at all.

On a different note, I have been collecting World Cup stickers for a couple of months. I’m the proud owner of 9 of the Algerian team, 8 English players (more than turned up for the actual tournament), about 5 Marco Borriellos, and not one single solitary German footballer. What’s that all about? We need answers, Panini.

Breaking News: Burnley Getting Served by Man City

Sporthole are receiving reports that Burnley, currently sitting in 19th spot in the Premier League, are getting totally served by 5th placed Man City. Four goals in 17 minutes, all scored by Man City at Burnley's Turf Moor ground, have seen the struggling outfit well and truly F'd in the A. As the game moves towards half time, they are in danger of having their asses handed to them on a plate. More as we get it.

Auntie Val's Formula 1 Preview

Roy! ROY! What is that awful noise? I'm trying to do my crossword! Oh, it's those bloody cars again. Is that dishy British lad still there? Not crashed yet? Buttons, yeah I like him. I don't mind the racing cars on a Sunday. It's a bit boring though. I prefer a book.

Wayne Rooney Can Only Raise Weary Half-Smile to Latest Volley of Sycophancy

Wayne Bridge Weighs up his Options Ahead of Chelsea Game

Tiger: "It Wasn't Me"

British Woman Falls Headfirst Down Ice Slightly Faster than Women from Overseas

"What the Fuck am I Doing?" Thinks Ski-Jumper Upon Leaving Ramp

WHISTLER, CANADA - Japanese ski-jumper Daiki Ito had a moment of brutal clarity earlier this evening, realising at the moment his skis left the jump that he was voluntarily throwing himself down a mountain with only two planks of wood to soften his landing.

As the end of his skis left the steep runway, presenting Ito with a vista of his inevitable descent, he had a sudden, striking epiphany.. "This is insane. It's so fucking high. There's no way I'm landing this. Why am I in this position? Why didn't I go and work in a bank like my mum said?"

"I mean, what the fuck am I doing?"

Ito finished 2nd in pre-qualifying, landing his jump impressively considering the existential crisis that was consuming him. Ito is not expected to attend Saturday's final, and is currently planning to return to Yokohama and open a sandwich shop.

Lawro Acting Like a Total Prick

LONDON, ENGLAND - Respected football pundit and former Liverpool defender Mark 'Lawro' Lawrenson caused consternation on the set of BBC1's Football Focus programme today. Lawrenson repeatedly made snide comments, often appearing aloof and disinterested. In the words of one runner, Lawro, normally known for his sardonic wit and laid-back personality, was acting "like a prick".

When asked by presenter Dan Walker what he thought of Burnley's survival chances, Lawrenson did not respond, acknowledging the question only by rolling his eyes theatrically. Lee Dixon's humourous observation on Leeds' recent poor form was met by an audible groan from Lawrenson, who spent the entire duration of filming chain smoking and damaging the sofa with the end of his pen.

After Dixon made a minor statistical error whilst discussing Sunderland's fall down the table, Lawrenson loudly commented that "we need Alan Hansen back", a comment that drew gasps of outrage from the gallery. In a scene edited out before broadcast, Lawrenson instructed Walker to "fuck off" when questioned over his pre-season prediction that Liverpool would top the league.

Questioned by angry producers as to the reason for his poor conduct, Lawrenson stated that he "didn't really give a shit" if he had upset people, before stubbing out his cigarette on the desk and strutting out of the studio.

Bill Paxton's Big Super Bowl Preview Part 2

Howdy, folks. I'm Bill Paxton. The good people at Sporthole have given me the chance to make a sequel to my original Super Bowl preview. I wish some of the fat cats in Hollywood had shown the same vision when I suggested a sequel to Twister a few weeks back. Who amongst you, the movie-going public, wouldn't love to see myself and Helen Hunt re-united to chase another tornado, with all the excitement of the classic original, plus brand new 3D special effects, which make it look like an F5 is hurtling right at your face? Well, try telling that to those assholes in the big corporate studios. They say nobody wants it. They think you've forgotten about Twister. But I know the truth. Right guys?

Anyway, tonight sees the perfect storm of the Super Bowl roll into Miami. The New Orleans Saints, who I tipped to win in their conference final, face off against the Indianapolis Colts, who I probably picked to win as well. This game is like two fierce F5 twisters going mano a mano. Both sides have QBs, in Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, that can hurl a football like a tornado throwing a cow into a wall. The Saints' defense will be looking to snap Manning like a tree in a hurricane, while the Colts will look to pick off Brees' passes like a raging storm picking off poorly-built houses. For an idea of what this looks like, please order Twister: Part One online today. The more we sell, the more chance we have of getting a kick-ass 3D sequel. Who's with me?

One thing I learned from pretending to chase tornadoes is that they're unpredictable, and football is the same. This is a game that's going to twist and turn like, well, a twister would be the most obvious comparison. My heart is rootin' for those plucky Saints, but this old head, rooted on surprisingly lithe and muscular shoulders, says that Peyton Manning wants that second Superbowl ring, and he'll get it. Everyone deserves a sequel. Come on, help a guy out. I'm Bill Paxton, and I'm picking the Colts to ride the storm and make it out the other side holding the Lombardi trophy. Be sure to visit the gift shop on the way out. I'm Bill Paxton.

Jamie Redknapp on England's Euro 2012 Draw

Alright geezer. I'm Jamie Redknapp, Sky Sports football pundit. You may have seen me recently playing golf on a beach with no shirt on. That's just how I like to relax. But on to the football. Today in Warsaw or somewhere, they done the draw for the European Championships in 2012. I'm taking an in-depth look at England's group, assessing their opponents' strengths and that, and giving my verdict on their chances.

Group G
ENGLAND
Switzerland
Bulgaria
Wales
Montenegro

It looks like England have got a tough draw - they're playing a lot of teams I remember being quite good a few years back. Switzerland - well, they're better at skiing, football ain't their game, but I imagine they'll be tough to break down. They're on the up I think. Or maybe in decline. Either way it'll be tough, but England should win both games.

Bulgaria are all about Berbatov. Tel just texted me and said they just play Berbatov, and pick the rest of the players out of a hat - some of them are just blokes knocking about, not even professionals. I think he's pulling my leg. He is, isn't he? Is he? Anyway, they're gonna be a bit of a crack outfit, being from Eastern Europe and that. Tough to break down, but England should beat them.

Wales, well, that's an interesting one. A bigger game in rugby, innit, but there'll be a great atmosphere in Cardiff for that one. Wales will love to get one over on England, but I don't see it happening. England will be too strong. Does Ryan Giggs still play for Wales? If so, he'll have a big influence on the game. Anyway, Wales will be right up for it, and they'll be tough to break down. England to win both games.


Montenegro? Tel's pulling my leg here. That ain't a real country. It is? Well I never heard of it, so I'm gonna assume they're crap. All in all, an easy path to, where is it, is it Poland? But it will be tough. Cheers.

Palace, Notts County Join Pompey in Pursuit of Pot to Piss in

Terry, Bridge "Must Throw Down" to Resolve Conflict

LONDON, UK - Following lurid tabloid revelations about John Terry's affair with Wayne Bridge's ex-girlfriend. the animosity between the pair has been well publicised, with Bridge even claiming he would not be a part of a World Cup squad captained by Terry.

England boss Fabio Capello returns from holiday this Thursday, and will have the final word on whether Terry remains as captain. Neutral observers, however are already making noises that stripping Terry of the armband will not resolve the debate. "Even if he's not captain any more, this lingering resentment and tension is going to persist", claimed Professor Charles Woodcock, head of Sports Psychology at the University of Essex. "Likewise, if Wayne Bridge refuses to play in the team again, those team-mates that support him will turn on John Terry and further inflame the situation."

Woodcock feels that there is only one solution to a row that is threatening to spiral out of control. "Bridge and Terry need to lose the jackets, step into the car park and settle this like men." The esteemed sports psychologist then added "Winner takes all. Let's finish this."

Whilst Woodcock's suggestion may appear extreme, it has been effective when used secretly by teams before, in an effort to resolve public disputes. Following Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer's infamous on-field spat, the then Newcastle boss Glenn Roeder ordered both players to strip to the waist in the locker room and brawl it out. Bowyer's scrappy, ungainly style surprisingly won out, and the issue was resolved.

"These two guys can carry out a long-winded public slanging match that will damage the team's World Cup chances" concluded Woodcock, "but they need to face reality. This is about a girl. There's only way to stop this. It's time to throw down. Unless perhaps, one of them is scared."

Robinho Apparently Still Unaware of Manchester City's Vast Wealth, Resources

Bill Paxton's Big Superbowl Preview

Hi, I'm Bill Paxton. You've probably seen me being heartfelt yet still overtly masculine in Weird Science, or Apollo 13, but my finest hour was playing a scientist caught in a fearsome F5 storm in the smash hit movie Twister. When I'm not outrunning a tornado, I love my sports, especially the NFL. On the set of Twister, I used to carry a football around with me and run some plays with whoever I could find. Good times. Anyways, it's time to sit tight, secure all your windows and doors, as I preview the two smokin' match-ups tonight for a place in the Superbowl.

AFC Championship Game - New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts:

Colts' QB Peyton Manning has been throwing with the force of an F5 all year, leaving a trail of devastation behind him five miles wide. He's consistently used the football like a twister uses debris, hurling it forward with almighty force, creating even greater destruction. The Colts tore up their division like a hurricane, and are hotter favourites than a tornado up against an unstable farm outbuilding.

The Jets, however, are an outbuilding with a fat gasoline tanker inside, just waiting to rip your face clean off. These mothers are all about blocking and running it, like a gale force wind pushing you over a cliff. They were practically out of the play-offs a month ago, but have built a surging momentum over recent games. You know what else builds momentum gradually? That's right, a twister. And you know what happens next.

Jets to win.


NFC Championship Game - Minnesota Vikings @ New Orleans Saints:

Vikings' QB Brett Favre is like a monsoon; every year he comes back, stronger than ever, pounding the opposition 'til they run home crying to mama. Favre took the Cowboys back to school last week, ripping open their defense like the finger of God tearing through a trailer park. The Vikings as a unit remind me of the simulated tornadoes I experienced while filming Twister: powerful, and concentrated. That said, the Vikings are a storm that never seems to terrorise the Superbowl, despite blowin' into the big game four times.

The Saints are defined by storms as much as myself. Hurricane Katrina devastated the city and has made the Saints the team all neutrals are rooting for. It would be in poor taste for me to compare the Saints to the awesome storm that ravaged their city. Instead I would compare them to a tidal wave that triggers an almighty flood, pouring forward at every opportunity, submerging the opposition with attacking menance. Oh wait, there was a flood too, wasn't there? God damn it Paxton.

Saints to win.

So there it is. I'm Bill Paxton, and I'm expecting a Jets-Saints matchup in Miami. Just like a twister, though, the NFL can always throw up a surprise. Hold on tight, people. This is gonna be a big one.

I'm Bill Paxton.

You Should Bank With Santander

By Lewis Hamilton

Oh, hi there. I'm just having a go on the old Scalextric. I've always loved motor racing, from when I was a little kid. But as I've made my way through the junior ranks, and become fortunate enough to earn a good wage doing the job I love, I've had to start taking my finances more seriously.

It's a tough time for all of us. Right now, we should all be looking for a bank that protects our best interests. My employer pays me well for what I do, I'm not denying that; don't get me wrong. But making sure your money is secure is always important. That's why I recommend that this might be the time to switch to Santander.

If you were an Abbey, Bradford & Bingley or, you know, the other one, customer, you'll already have seen the benefits for yourself. Benefits like a no-fee overdraft extension, a competitive 3.5% interest rate on savings. Then there's the fee-free cash withdrawal from anywhere in the world; perfect for me when I'm heading to the track on any continent. But seriously. Santander is the smart choice in the current climate.

Anyway, I'd better be going. I've got a new car to test out. I suggest you pop into your local branch, and test out Santander's great value banking today. Do I bank with Santander? Of course! I have to go now.

Tennis Back Already

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - This season's tennis calendar gets underway in earnest tomorrow, as the year's first Grand Slam, the Australian Open kicks off. Top-level tennis returns to the sporting calendar a full six weeks after the close of the gruelling, 11-month 2009 season, almost before anyone had the chance to really miss it. Players and fans alike have expressed delight at the swift return of wall-to-wall competition and coverage of the sport.

World No.1 Roger Federer, emerging onto a practice court unshaven and wearing sunglasses, said "It's really good to be back on the court. I've got to say, the weeks have really flown by since we were in London. But I've had a few weeks relaxation, just a few is enough, and I'm ready to go." Federer was heard to audibly sigh a number of times during a brief knock-up, before heading off court twenty minutes later.

World number two and defending Rafa Nadal, meanwhile, has reportedly been away from the complex, windsurfing and scuba diving to "get focussed" ahead of the tournament. Fans gathering in Melbourne ahead of the tournament were similarly upbeat. "I'm hoping to see Federer against Roddick, like the Wimbledon final" said one. "Another five sets of that would be great. I can remember that final like it was yesterday. It just went on and on. It'd be kind of cool to see them pick up where they left off".

Not all those gathered at Melbourne Park were so positive, however. John McEnroe, providing commentary for US television, was heard speculating "how many goddam hours" of tennis commentary he would have to provide in the searing Australian heat. World number 5 and British hope Andy Murray summed up the mood in some quarters with a tweet late last night that said quite simply "fucking tennis".

Alan Green Compliments Footballer

EASTLANDS - Radio Five Live's irascible commentator and pundit Alan Green shocked the broadcasting world last night by making a statement that appeared to praise Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez.

Green, renowned for having never previously complimented a professional footballer, caused gasps in the gantry when he labelled Tevez "terrific" following the Argentine's third goal of the night. The comment, apparently delivered without a hint of sarcasm, caused co-commentator Chris Waddle to fall into a stunned silence that lasted until the final whistle.

Whilst Green's uncharacteristically positive outburst was a shock to colleagues and listeners alike, some observers claimed they had seen it coming. Mark Lawrenson, listening in his car outside Heston services, felt that the compliment was inevitable. "I could hear Alan's head wasn't right from the start" claimed Lawrenson in an interview today. "He was making unequivocally positive statements all over the place. There's only so many times you can throw a sarcastic rejoinder in three seconds later and get away with it".

Green, initially oblivious, then embarrassed and confused, did not follow up on his positive statement for a full 15 seconds, only returning to the microphone to make a desperate dig at Sam Allardyce's scarf. Green peppered the remaining three minutes of commentary with a number of fiercely negative comments, branding Blackburn's defence "a joke" and describing sections of the home support as "deserters" for leaving a routine home win two minutes early.

Waddle's stunned, catatonic state spoke volumes, however, and Alan Green left the ground immediately after the final whistle. He has been unavailable for comment today as speculation mounts that, after 29 years in football broadcasting, Green may have finally lost his hatred for the game.

Ian Botham Likes Cricket So Much He Turns Into One

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - Former England all-rounder and Sky cricket commentator Sir Ian Botham today actually turned into a cricket, as his love for the game of the same name finally caught up with him.

Botham allegedly spent the entire day's play constantly discussing different aspects of the game, from the quality of the Cape Town pitch to the emergence of Twenty20. When an exasperated David Gower attempted to change the subject to the snowy weather back home, Botham fell silent, before launching into an interminable monologue on last season's bowling averages. By 4pm GMT, with England celebrating an unlikely draw, Botham's transformation began, driven by his intense satisfaction at both Graham Onions' defensive strokes and South Africa's pursuit of victory.

Two hours later, Botham completed his transformation following a heavily sexualised appraisal of the outfield. "My wife had warned me that this would happen" said Botham following his metamorphosis, rubbing his back legs together and flicking through last year's copy of Wisden, "but I wouldn't have it any other way. God, I love cricket".

PDC World Darts Championships Probably Won By Phil Taylor

Mancini: "OK, Let's Talk About Transfers Now "

MANCHESTER, UK - Having earlier this week refused to discuss transfers until after the much-anticipated Carling Cup semi-final against Man Utd, Roberto Mancini waited three minutes following the game's postponement before calling an impromptu press conference.

"Listen, I know I said no transfer talk before the game", the Italian told a sparse, hastily assembled crowd. "But I've just been told the game is off for like, two weeks, and I can't wait that long, So let's talk about transfers". Mancini then gestured to a steward, who proceeded to play 'Money Money Money' over the loudspeaker, before Mancini began to read a list of transfer targets from a sheet of paper, ranging from the realistic (Patrick Vieira on a loan until the end of the season) to targets involving retired footballers and even stars from the worlds of movies and rock music, including U2 star Bono.

Mancini closed the press conference by performing an improvised, barely comprehensible rendition of 'Favourite Things', and announcing that Benjani was available for a cut-price £1m.