Ian Botham Likes Cricket So Much He Turns Into One

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - Former England all-rounder and Sky cricket commentator Sir Ian Botham today actually turned into a cricket, as his love for the game of the same name finally caught up with him.

Botham allegedly spent the entire day's play constantly discussing different aspects of the game, from the quality of the Cape Town pitch to the emergence of Twenty20. When an exasperated David Gower attempted to change the subject to the snowy weather back home, Botham fell silent, before launching into an interminable monologue on last season's bowling averages. By 4pm GMT, with England celebrating an unlikely draw, Botham's transformation began, driven by his intense satisfaction at both Graham Onions' defensive strokes and South Africa's pursuit of victory.

Two hours later, Botham completed his transformation following a heavily sexualised appraisal of the outfield. "My wife had warned me that this would happen" said Botham following his metamorphosis, rubbing his back legs together and flicking through last year's copy of Wisden, "but I wouldn't have it any other way. God, I love cricket".