Robinho Apparently Still Unaware of Manchester City's Vast Wealth, Resources

Bill Paxton's Big Superbowl Preview

Hi, I'm Bill Paxton. You've probably seen me being heartfelt yet still overtly masculine in Weird Science, or Apollo 13, but my finest hour was playing a scientist caught in a fearsome F5 storm in the smash hit movie Twister. When I'm not outrunning a tornado, I love my sports, especially the NFL. On the set of Twister, I used to carry a football around with me and run some plays with whoever I could find. Good times. Anyways, it's time to sit tight, secure all your windows and doors, as I preview the two smokin' match-ups tonight for a place in the Superbowl.

AFC Championship Game - New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts:

Colts' QB Peyton Manning has been throwing with the force of an F5 all year, leaving a trail of devastation behind him five miles wide. He's consistently used the football like a twister uses debris, hurling it forward with almighty force, creating even greater destruction. The Colts tore up their division like a hurricane, and are hotter favourites than a tornado up against an unstable farm outbuilding.

The Jets, however, are an outbuilding with a fat gasoline tanker inside, just waiting to rip your face clean off. These mothers are all about blocking and running it, like a gale force wind pushing you over a cliff. They were practically out of the play-offs a month ago, but have built a surging momentum over recent games. You know what else builds momentum gradually? That's right, a twister. And you know what happens next.

Jets to win.


NFC Championship Game - Minnesota Vikings @ New Orleans Saints:

Vikings' QB Brett Favre is like a monsoon; every year he comes back, stronger than ever, pounding the opposition 'til they run home crying to mama. Favre took the Cowboys back to school last week, ripping open their defense like the finger of God tearing through a trailer park. The Vikings as a unit remind me of the simulated tornadoes I experienced while filming Twister: powerful, and concentrated. That said, the Vikings are a storm that never seems to terrorise the Superbowl, despite blowin' into the big game four times.

The Saints are defined by storms as much as myself. Hurricane Katrina devastated the city and has made the Saints the team all neutrals are rooting for. It would be in poor taste for me to compare the Saints to the awesome storm that ravaged their city. Instead I would compare them to a tidal wave that triggers an almighty flood, pouring forward at every opportunity, submerging the opposition with attacking menance. Oh wait, there was a flood too, wasn't there? God damn it Paxton.

Saints to win.

So there it is. I'm Bill Paxton, and I'm expecting a Jets-Saints matchup in Miami. Just like a twister, though, the NFL can always throw up a surprise. Hold on tight, people. This is gonna be a big one.

I'm Bill Paxton.

You Should Bank With Santander

By Lewis Hamilton

Oh, hi there. I'm just having a go on the old Scalextric. I've always loved motor racing, from when I was a little kid. But as I've made my way through the junior ranks, and become fortunate enough to earn a good wage doing the job I love, I've had to start taking my finances more seriously.

It's a tough time for all of us. Right now, we should all be looking for a bank that protects our best interests. My employer pays me well for what I do, I'm not denying that; don't get me wrong. But making sure your money is secure is always important. That's why I recommend that this might be the time to switch to Santander.

If you were an Abbey, Bradford & Bingley or, you know, the other one, customer, you'll already have seen the benefits for yourself. Benefits like a no-fee overdraft extension, a competitive 3.5% interest rate on savings. Then there's the fee-free cash withdrawal from anywhere in the world; perfect for me when I'm heading to the track on any continent. But seriously. Santander is the smart choice in the current climate.

Anyway, I'd better be going. I've got a new car to test out. I suggest you pop into your local branch, and test out Santander's great value banking today. Do I bank with Santander? Of course! I have to go now.

Tennis Back Already

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - This season's tennis calendar gets underway in earnest tomorrow, as the year's first Grand Slam, the Australian Open kicks off. Top-level tennis returns to the sporting calendar a full six weeks after the close of the gruelling, 11-month 2009 season, almost before anyone had the chance to really miss it. Players and fans alike have expressed delight at the swift return of wall-to-wall competition and coverage of the sport.

World No.1 Roger Federer, emerging onto a practice court unshaven and wearing sunglasses, said "It's really good to be back on the court. I've got to say, the weeks have really flown by since we were in London. But I've had a few weeks relaxation, just a few is enough, and I'm ready to go." Federer was heard to audibly sigh a number of times during a brief knock-up, before heading off court twenty minutes later.

World number two and defending Rafa Nadal, meanwhile, has reportedly been away from the complex, windsurfing and scuba diving to "get focussed" ahead of the tournament. Fans gathering in Melbourne ahead of the tournament were similarly upbeat. "I'm hoping to see Federer against Roddick, like the Wimbledon final" said one. "Another five sets of that would be great. I can remember that final like it was yesterday. It just went on and on. It'd be kind of cool to see them pick up where they left off".

Not all those gathered at Melbourne Park were so positive, however. John McEnroe, providing commentary for US television, was heard speculating "how many goddam hours" of tennis commentary he would have to provide in the searing Australian heat. World number 5 and British hope Andy Murray summed up the mood in some quarters with a tweet late last night that said quite simply "fucking tennis".

Alan Green Compliments Footballer

EASTLANDS - Radio Five Live's irascible commentator and pundit Alan Green shocked the broadcasting world last night by making a statement that appeared to praise Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez.

Green, renowned for having never previously complimented a professional footballer, caused gasps in the gantry when he labelled Tevez "terrific" following the Argentine's third goal of the night. The comment, apparently delivered without a hint of sarcasm, caused co-commentator Chris Waddle to fall into a stunned silence that lasted until the final whistle.

Whilst Green's uncharacteristically positive outburst was a shock to colleagues and listeners alike, some observers claimed they had seen it coming. Mark Lawrenson, listening in his car outside Heston services, felt that the compliment was inevitable. "I could hear Alan's head wasn't right from the start" claimed Lawrenson in an interview today. "He was making unequivocally positive statements all over the place. There's only so many times you can throw a sarcastic rejoinder in three seconds later and get away with it".

Green, initially oblivious, then embarrassed and confused, did not follow up on his positive statement for a full 15 seconds, only returning to the microphone to make a desperate dig at Sam Allardyce's scarf. Green peppered the remaining three minutes of commentary with a number of fiercely negative comments, branding Blackburn's defence "a joke" and describing sections of the home support as "deserters" for leaving a routine home win two minutes early.

Waddle's stunned, catatonic state spoke volumes, however, and Alan Green left the ground immediately after the final whistle. He has been unavailable for comment today as speculation mounts that, after 29 years in football broadcasting, Green may have finally lost his hatred for the game.

Ian Botham Likes Cricket So Much He Turns Into One

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - Former England all-rounder and Sky cricket commentator Sir Ian Botham today actually turned into a cricket, as his love for the game of the same name finally caught up with him.

Botham allegedly spent the entire day's play constantly discussing different aspects of the game, from the quality of the Cape Town pitch to the emergence of Twenty20. When an exasperated David Gower attempted to change the subject to the snowy weather back home, Botham fell silent, before launching into an interminable monologue on last season's bowling averages. By 4pm GMT, with England celebrating an unlikely draw, Botham's transformation began, driven by his intense satisfaction at both Graham Onions' defensive strokes and South Africa's pursuit of victory.

Two hours later, Botham completed his transformation following a heavily sexualised appraisal of the outfield. "My wife had warned me that this would happen" said Botham following his metamorphosis, rubbing his back legs together and flicking through last year's copy of Wisden, "but I wouldn't have it any other way. God, I love cricket".

PDC World Darts Championships Probably Won By Phil Taylor

Mancini: "OK, Let's Talk About Transfers Now "

MANCHESTER, UK - Having earlier this week refused to discuss transfers until after the much-anticipated Carling Cup semi-final against Man Utd, Roberto Mancini waited three minutes following the game's postponement before calling an impromptu press conference.

"Listen, I know I said no transfer talk before the game", the Italian told a sparse, hastily assembled crowd. "But I've just been told the game is off for like, two weeks, and I can't wait that long, So let's talk about transfers". Mancini then gestured to a steward, who proceeded to play 'Money Money Money' over the loudspeaker, before Mancini began to read a list of transfer targets from a sheet of paper, ranging from the realistic (Patrick Vieira on a loan until the end of the season) to targets involving retired footballers and even stars from the worlds of movies and rock music, including U2 star Bono.

Mancini closed the press conference by performing an improvised, barely comprehensible rendition of 'Favourite Things', and announcing that Benjani was available for a cut-price £1m.